There are many reasons for infidelity, such as revenge, boredom, the thrill of sexual novelty or sexual addiction. But experts say that a large majority of the time, motivations differ by gender, with men searching for more sex or attention, and women looking to fill an emotional void.
"Women tell me, 'I was lonely, not connected, I don't feel close to my partner, and I was taken for granted,'" says Winifred Reilly, MA, MFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, Calif. "They say they wanted to have someone who would look into their eyes and make them feel sexy again."
Reason 1: A Need For An Emotional Connection
Every affair is different, and so are every woman's reasons for her involvement.
That said, men are more likely to cite sexual motivations for infidelity and are less likely to fall in love with an extramarital partner, says Helen Fisher, PhD, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University and the author of Why Him? Why Her? and Why We Love.
Women tend to have an emotional connection with their lover and are more likely to have an affair because of loneliness, Fisher says.
"Women tend to be more unhappy with the relationship they are in, while men can be a lot happier in their primary relationship and also cheat," says Fisher. "Women are more interested in supplementing their marriage or jumping ship than men are - for men, it is a secondary strategy as opposed to an alternate."
In one of her studies, Fisher found that 34% of women who had affairs were happy or very happy in their marriage. 56% of men who had affairs were happy in their marriage.
Reason 2: It’s Genetic
The theory that adultery is "natural" for men, fulfilling their Darwinian need to spread their seed, has been around a long time. But the connection women look for when having affairs may have evolutionary roots as well.
That theory, Fisher says, is that from the earliest days, women paired with a primary mate to have children. But as women went out to gather food, they slept with other men, creating an insurance policy -- to have someone who would help rear children and provide resources, should their mate die.
"Women who slept around collected more meat, protection, and resources from their lovers," Fisher says. "She might even have an extra child to create more genetic variety in her lineage; if some children die, others will live on."
That theory is controversial. But experts say that women's motivations to have affairs are typically more than sexual. That's not to say that some women don't have affairs just for the sex, or that sex wasn't important -- but in general, women's motivations aren't just about sex.
"I don't think women are doing it because they want to have more sex, but I don't think they mind if they get it," Reilly says. "It is not really about sex as much as the experience of being with somebody."
Reason 3: Desire To Leave
Many women who cheat say that they’d already left their marriages emotionally long before they had an affair, and using another partner to transition out of a bad marriage is another common reasons women have affairs.
Women can often become frustrated with living a life of disillusionment, and felt trapped in a disappointing, sexless marriage, where their dreams and hopes of a successful marriage have faded, leaving them very lonely.
Many feel that affair or not, not, their marriage would have dissolved anyway.
"They are on a sinking ship and use it as a life raft because they don't want to just jump into the cold water," Reilly says.
She also sees some women have affairs during periods of vulnerability or life change, like when a child goes off to college or after a job loss. They may see it as a form of comfort during upheaval.
Reason 4: A Cry For Help
Another common reason is a cry for help in the marriage. One of Reilly’s patients had an affair, ended it, and then told her husband as a way to point out they were in more trouble than he thought.
Reilly says her clinical experience has shown that affairs are almost always caused by problems in the marriage. Therapy, at times, can be helpful to avoid going down that path.
"People have affairs because they are looking for something," Reilly says. Although she sees a number of couples grappling with infidelity, "more people come to me before it happens because they want to save their marriage."
Women are also less likely than men to have an affair that "just happens," because they tend to think longer and harder about the situation, experts say.
Some women take time " to warm up to it," says Marcella Weiner, EdD, PhD, an adjunct professor at Marymount Manhattan College in Brooklyn, N.Y. "Going in and leaving quickly isn't their thing. Men can walk away more easily, because their emotions are just different and it is unusual for a woman who wants to have sex and forget about it."
It may be an old notion that women are the ones who get attached in a relationship, Reilly says. But she sees that women do connect with their partners in affairs and think more about taking part in one.
"Women really can recognize the risk for them," Reilly says, pointing to the possibility of losing their partner because of an affair. "Perhaps this is also because, when it comes to affairs, society tends to more harshly judge women than men," Reilly adds.
By Lorraine James, BDO Staff Writer
06 Apr 2011 , Copyright © 2005-2011, BlackDoctor.org. All rights reserved.
